Warning: If you are not a regular reader of this blog, I highly suggest you browse around before reading this post. I understand my content comes off as a “loaded shotgun” to some who aren’t familiar with my personal posts here on IMGrind. I’m a very blunt, no bull-shit, really don’t give a fuck whether you like me or not, type of guy. I write these posts on behalf of people whom I meet around the world at their request because they tell me they think it would be beneficial for others. This past week, I was speaking with a Private Forums Member here. He’s also a successful $25,000+ a month Mobile Affiliate with us at Revived Media. And yes of course – He’s using iMobiTrax to track all of his campaigns.
Anyway, I’ve known him for years. He knows a lot about me personally, just from our face-to-face meetups for years. Meaning he is very familiar with me recovering in online marketing when a relationship nearly sucked the life out of me and how I overcame money obsession. He’s also familiar with my past abuse of pretty much any substance that would alter my reality.
I know you are asking yourself – How the fuck did this guy even fathom the idea of doing business with me?
I know you are. I asked myself that same question many times over the last 24 months during my “transformation.” I always had a knack for coming up with ways to promote CPA Campaigns that most people would black the fuck out from seeing the millions of leads we drive weekly. As if that wasn’t awesome enough, I had an even better knack for developing relationships with other Affiliate Marketers and negotiating deals between them. I would teach them the campaign, they would allow me to mediate the relationship directly from the advertiser to them. If the advertiser didn’t get paid, I always did. I’ve never stiffed anyone.
So that’s why he stuck with me. LOL.
Long story short – He met up with me at Affiliate Summit East and I’m telling you right now, he looked like shit. I mean, like emotionally and physically broken. The only way I could explain the look on his face is…
That One Time I Almost Killed Myself.
Now, I’ll be straight with you. I’ve got some very vindictive people in my life so I have a pretty thick shield on personal shit I share. I will tell you though…that one time I almost killed myself…involved 10 Oxycontin, 20 Ativan, and a good ole Krystal Skull Head bottle of Vodka to wash it down. Yes, it burned a little bit. Matter of fact, at one point I thought my lungs were literally internally combusting. I’ve never felt a hot burning, hopeless feeling like that before in my life.
Did I tell you that this was the night before the Christmas Eve of a family dinner?
No way Ruck. You ARE A DIRTBAG.
Oh well, if that wasn’t bad enough. I knowingly got fucked up so that I could ENDURE the family dinner.
Yep, I was so annoyed by people and only wanted to work on my businesses, I decided I was going to take me a little “rucky time-out” and go to space mountain. Well, that’s all fine and dandy, other than the fact I had been on the Zoloft Drug at 100mg a day since I collapsed into depression. This was no trip.
This was a nightmare through hell. Super painful shit.
About half way through the pills I started getting sad. Super sad. As in – let’s get the fuck out of here sad.
You ever get so sad, it seems like the only visuals in your mind and the only thoughts coming through are from all the shitheads who’ve hurt you? That type of sad.
So, down the hatch, the other half of the pills went. Along with the Vodka. I don’t know what happened after that.
What I do remember…
Now, the family dinner commenced and guess who was laying on the kitchen floor? Yep, me. Laying right there during the dinner with everyone eating, acting like I was exhausted from (honestly) all the work I had been doing. You see, at that time, I was working my dog ass off. Yes, more than the 16 hours a day I work now. I mean for days at a fucking time.
So in short recap:
- Check – 2 yrs of 100mg Zoloft daily for depression
- Check – At least 48 hours without sleep
- Check – 10 Oxycontin the night before
- Check – 20 Ativan to compliment the Oxy
- Check – Vodka – To wash down the pills, until I became numb and it tasted amazing.
- Check – Annoyance = Anything other than work. Even family.
- Check – Used to be a Christmas Grinch anyway. Not anymore, I love the fuck out of that holiday now.
Now from what I can remember – My lungs were on fire. I was incoherent on the kitchen floor.
Until – I jumped up to go to the bathroom and vomit.
This is when shit got a bit serious.
Now, I know my drug tolerance from back in the day. I remember my old Therapist calling it – “sadistic.” As in – “Devilish Abuse.” Worst of the Worst. I could take on ALOT.
Anyway, I started throwing up Pitch black vomit. I still don’t know till this day that 5 gallon bucket of black tar looking shit I threw up was. I assume blood.
I don’t know. I felt fucking terrific after that puke fest. As old friends whom I used to do this shit with would say – I’m the Wolverine Of Drugs. Fucking Pathetic.
Obviously, I lived and am kicking more ass than ever these days.
So let’s flash forward, because what I just described to you, is exactly what I saw in this Man’s face as he was walking towards me at the Affiliate Summit.
Rag shit. Broken. Pathetic, like I used to be actually.
So, I started walking immediately told him these exact words…
Before you even think about that bullshit you’ve been thinking about doing in the last few days, weeks or months, or however long it took you to look this way. You squash that shit right now because when you leave, who’s going to take care of your 5 year old girls (which I have a 5 yr old girl) and who’s going to take care of your wife? Who BTW, if your Facebook is correct from a few months ago, is fucking pregnant?
I told him straight up – You’re being a Selfish Fuck.
It was really sad, and it takes a 2 Ton Whale walking through New York City with flip-flops on to stir me. But this did. I felt bad. So I went ahead and told him the first thing is to go seek Professional help. I did. Glad I did too or there definitely wouldn’t be 1,000+ posts from me on this very blog.
I wasn’t concerned with anything else other than the his well-being. Like I said, I’ve seen this look before. In the mirror.
I don’t know why he felt or got this way. I didn’t ask. It’s not business, and talking about it to me would have the opposite effect. I guarantee, it might have uplifted him for a bit but at a Conference, this is something I avoid taking on. It’s happened more than once. Not, that I mind it or anything. Just know, I’m not a professional doctor. I believe some people reach out to me on these things because of the similar situations they have found themselves.
Selfishness is really a deceiving motherfucker if you want my honest opinion. It’s easy as Entrepreneurs to become selfish. We pretty much have to. Nobody is punching our time clock for us, signing our pay checks and feeding our families. The only ones we REALLY rely on, our ourselves. So it sort of makes sense that as an Entrepreneur and controller of our destiny, businesses, lives and families, we are wickedly anal when it comes to make OUR OWN DECISIONS. Now, mix that in with some low self-esteem, depression, substance abuse (or even just substance abuse if you are on prescription type medications) and you have a recipe for a “Sad Salad.”
I don’t know about you, but I fucking hate salad.
The point is this. No matter what you’re doing, as an Entrepreneur or Employee, there’s a really fine line between balancing life and business. I can’t tell you how to find yours. Hopefully by sharing some of my past fuck-ups, it’ll prevent a similar situation or occurrence. The important thing about suicidal thoughts is that this isn’t a normal thing. I’m not a doctor, so I won’t try giving you advice, just some suggestions.
1. Seek a Professional Opinion Immediately
2. Look for beauty – My sound a little stupid, but that’s what I do. It takes time but try to train yourself immediately after waking up to pep yourself up for the day.
3. Love What You Have – One of the biggest problems in the history of ever, is society’s uber obsession with fashion, cars, houses, jewelry and shit like that. I know this from personal experience because I owned a ridiculous amount of it. It’s worth shit. Family is blood. Love them dearly. They are the only ones who are going to be there at the end.
When I told him, “Love What You Have” it was like he became a different person. I asked him to show me a few pics of his little girl. I then showed him a couple of pics of my 5 year old girl. I also told him I have two boys, so if you’re wife could squirt out one with a penis, that would be so awesome when you come to see me after your child is born.
In which I promised him and all expense paid flight to Kansas City here on a weekend when I have my kids. So they could all meet each other and play and drive us fucking crazy, typical kid stuff.
He shook my hand, and as we pulled away to walk, I grabbed his hand real tight and this is what I said:
For the last 4 years, we’ve met face to face. You’ve relied on me to make sure you were paid accordingly for all your affiliate campaigns. No matter how depressed I got, the substance abuse, the mood changes, …Bro – You stood by me for 4 years. With each of us, reciprocating and helping each other build more business, make more money, and get closer to our dreams. WHICH IS WHY WE DO THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE RIGHT? – So that we can feed our families, support them, provide them with everything they want, because as MEN, that’s what we fucking do. That is OUR business. This other shit you are thinking about, it’s not important as what I just told you. That’s backwards thinking, and through all the shit you have stuck by me with…we’ve always moved forward.
So if you don’t bring your family down to meet mine after your child is born…
You’re just being a Selfish Fuck.
Happy to report, talked to him yesterday and today, and he seems to be doing pretty good. He is going to the Doctor on Monday to start the speaking and seeking opinion process.
Fuckin Luv Ya Mike – Stick around, we are just getting started.